Another day, another post. What should it be this time?

I don’t feel like doing the weirdness at the moment. It’s fun and I consider it to be art. But it also feels good to just talk… like a normal person. Am I normal? No, not even close. But it’s fine, I’m accepting it… slowly. I always thought I was normal, or at least I really wanted to be normal.. so I would fit in. But time and time again, I have noticed that I’m not normal, I don’t fit in.

It’s weird, I really like those types… those who are different. The weirder the better. Normal is boring. So why do I wanna be normal so badly?

I guess it’s slowly changing… i’m accepting my weirdness.

What’s normal anyway?… we’re all weird… life is weird.

OK, let’s drop the act and silliness for a while.

Who are you?

Honestly, I don’t really know. I’m kind of lost at the moment I guess. I’ve spent the past 12 years in this apartment doing… things. Mostly sitting in front of a computer screen.. or TV. I was mostly by myself. I had a cat but he died back in 2009… loved that little guy. He was 18 years old when I had to do the difficult decision to end his life due to sickness.

As a child, I was fascinated on how things work. Toys, radios, TVs.. etc. I had to open them and see what’s inside so I could understand how they work. I then used that knowledge to build my own things. Weird gadgets that usually didn’t work very well. But my overly active imagination made them work in my fantasies.

Then I got my first computer at the age of 17. It sucked me right in. The virtual world fascinated me immensely. There were no limits, I could build anything I wanted in there. I also got interested in creating music with a computer. Before that, I had been playing piano and electric guitar.

Also the internet was a pool of knowledge that I couldn’t resist. I spent countless nights reading about things that were interesting to me… what happened to that curiosity by the way?

Back then I was interested in altered states of consciousness, and psychedelic drugs.. among other things. I didn’t do much drugs though… only some weed and alcohol on weekends, few other experiments here and there. But generally I was a good kid.. never got into any trouble. I just wanted to do my own thing, what ever it was at the time. My things revolved around art and tech.

I had a bunch of friends who were hanging around at my place. There were no adults around usually. My parents got divorced and my father moved away when I was 12. My mom moved out when I was… maybe 15-16. The timeline of my life is little hazy. Then my big sister moved out and eventually my little sister.

I did some random jobs here and there, but eventually had to drop everything due to depression and anxiety.

My mom died when I was about 22. I then moved out from my childhood home to here, and… well, everything changed. No more friends, no more family. Only a cat, computer and depression.

I spent the next 10 years trying to fix my mental issues. Or well.. the health care system tried to fix them… i didn’t think there was anything wrong with me. That system is badly broken by the way… i mean.. 10 years and nothing changed. With right kind of therapy, things could have been fixed pretty quickly.. i think. But unfortunately they focused on a wrong issue.. my depression. Probably because it was easier, there’s medication for it. My main issue however was that I was super shy. It was causing all sorts of problems.

They finally gave up and put me on a disability pension. No more doctors, no more social workers. For a long time they were the only people I saw. They kind of were my family, except those people kept changing all the time. Just when we were starting to make some progress, the worker changed and we had to start all over again with the new person.

When I got the pension, I though… now what?

I was free but completely lost. So a year ago I started my own journey. I thought.. screw the doctors!… i’m the expert in my own problems.. i’ll be my own doctor.

And here I am, deep in to my journey. I’ve already had some adventures that have changed me profoundly.

I’m still not sure what the purpose of this site is though. At least it’s an outlet for my weird humor.

…hmm, maybe I’ll document my journey here

Who am I?
Is that a weird question?
Why do I keep writing this nonsense?
Don’t I have anything better to do?

Does anyone even read this madness?
Why did I start this site?
What’s the purpose of it?
Is it about my life, or is it about life in general?
Or is it just a place for my art?

Who cares?

–

who cares

maybe none of this matters… it’s all temporary anyway.
…one day lights will shutdown, and all this pointless nonsense disappears.

oh but wait!… what if i print it!

then at least there’s a chance that someday… when all the tech is gone… someone will find it and read it.

…he may think that:

“Oh what a weird culture it was back when things still mattered. Now nothing matters, we are just surviving. There’s no movies, no internet, only small groups who are trying to stay alive. We haven’t had electricity in over 100 years. Piles of rubble everywhere.”

it will be an important evidence about humanity… yes!
…that old man who found the paper will bring it back to the camp.. and he’ll say:

“Look everyone what I found! This is an important evidence about humanity. We have to honor it and protect it with our lives. We will show it to our children and teach them how to live in a more civil manner.”

…

there… i printed that historical document

…now what the hell do i do with it?